Most of the time I am okay with being unpopular or at least, not being one of the cool kids.
But this weekend I found myself in a lovely Italian restaurant in Melbourne and while sitting at the bar enjoying a superb glass of French rose, a gluten free mushroom pizza and the company of my lovely partner, I had a mild panic attack.
Why? Because I looked around me and not only felt unsettled and slightly claustrophobic but not good enough. All around us there were tables of friends and family enjoying dinner together, talking, laughing, drinking - all the things that normal people do. People unlike me.
And that's where the unravelling nature of anxiety begins for me. It starts with a slight knock to my self confidence, then I remember I don't like going out at night. I can't drink more than two glasses of wine a month otherwise it f***s with my head. I'm not normal, I'm not cool.
Just a few years ago I would have been right at home here, in the hustle and bustle of a funky eating place with wine and conversation flowing. But now, I want to run and hide. If I was really honest, which I was the following day with my partner - I actually wanted to get Dominos, go back to the hotel room and watch TV.
Part of it I know is growing up and moving on from those days of social mayhem; moving on from the need to be around people in a certain place, dressed a certain way, consuming certain food and drink.
I don't need that anymore.
Breakfast the following day was a different story though. In a laneway, gluten free French toast and coffee. I felt safe again. What is it about the night that disturbs me so?
If you haven't read the Wellness Warrior's blog yet, I highly recommend it. Todays post managed to realign my thoughts and depreciating self worth this morning. It was the new perspective I needed.
Maybe it's not a matter of being unpopular, that seems like such a school yard term. Maybe it's actually being brave enough to say no thanks, not into that. And that's okay.
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